Just in case you thought I had it all together...

This post comes without much prep, and since that's the case, then there is very little telling what all this post is going to include. I'm not entirely sure where to start to be honest.
I first and foremost wanted to extend an apology to all of the people who have percevied me as such, because of the way I have handled myself in the past. It wasn't intentional by any means, but I still seem to have done the deed. Larry Crabb, author of Silence of Adam, writes about how unmanly, cowardly men spend their time hiding. They put up a front of being the witty guy, the funny guy who makes everyone laugh, or anything else really. Anything that a male can hide behind so people don't see who he really is. Either because of fear or rejection as to his real person, or fear of getting hurt. These are the men who develop cold households when they have families. They don't let in their wives, or have a close group of men who remain deeply involved in this man's life. These men don't let their children see who their father really is, so this impossible standard is set for them, which leaves the children in an endless, torturous cycle of get up, try, fail, sit around depressed, not want to get up but do it anyway, and fail again.

I'm not entirely sure what it is for me, I don't know if I do hide behind something, if i'm scared of showing who I am because I might not be accepted, or I won't be perceived as a leader who is reliable. I do know however that there has been been enough talk about this recently to make me consider it. And i'm willing to bet that there is something I hide behind. Most men do. There might be something about the slight spring in my step, or something about how I talk to people, or something about how I handle seemingly bad news. Whatever it is, it can come off as my thinking I have it all together. Truth be told, I don't.

Over the last few hours I have been very graciously shown that I don't have the slightest idea what i'm doing. There have been a couple of things that have come up recently that have shown me such. One of the men that I lead, who will go un-named for obvious reasons, has had to handle the chore of dealing with me as long as he has. During times when i'm diligent and faithful, to times when the last thing I want to do is sit and spend time with him. I could learn a little something about being faithful from him.

In preparation for a mission trip to haiti this summer, (more on this later) I once again was faced with the sobering fact that i'm not ready to go. At all. I struggle with motivating myself to exceed in academics, which i'm sure is a common trend for most other students, but if i'm trying to live my life in such a manner as one that represents Christ, "others do it too" is far from an acceptable excuse. I struggle in the small things, like hitting snooze too often in the mornings, and I struggle in the seemingly larger more dangerous issues, like wanting to serve in a way we are called to serve, but expect in the back of my head that at some point it will all be reciprocated. I don't love with a true love that doesn't measure, but just keeps on giving. I doubt myself, often. I wonder if i'm doing the right thing, or the wrong thing, or the right thing at the wrong time. I have a hard time accepting when i've done the wrong thing, and that happens quite often. All this doubt ties into insecurities. I'm insecure about my ability to lead a man to a closer walk with Jesus. I'm insecure about my ability to lead a woman well. I'm insecure about my ability to love on a woman well. I'm insecure about how I come off to others, I don't know if it's a fear, but i'm realizing that I, like most men, want to be respected, and want to be listened to. And I see it not happen and I wonder what's wrong with me. I don't even know if people will read this, or care to read it. And that gets me to thinking about why would people care about what I think in the first place. I want to be listened to, but what makes me think I have something to say that's worth while?

I don't have it all together, and I didn't realize that I come off as someone who might have it all together. Sorry again for handling myself in that manner. This is probably one of the more "emo" posts I will make, and don't get me wrong, this wasn't some pity post looking for sympathy. This is more of a genuine i'm sorry to those who read it. It's something I will be more conscious of in the future and hopefully when you guys look at me, you won't see a man hiding behind a facade, but you'll see someone who lives humbly. Because quite honestly, I have no reason not to.